Afraid to Love

I am afraid to love.

I am afraid to give myself to a girl.

I am afraid that when I give myself to her, it won’t be enough.

I am afraid that when it’s not enough, she will not be satisfied.

I’m afraid that when she’s not satisfied, she will be gone.

I am afraid that when she’s gone, I will have nothing left.

I am afraid that after giving myself to her, I will have nothing.

I am afraid to lose myself to a girl who will not treasure [it].

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I have been Blessed pt. 1

It has been one year and almost 5 months (four more days) since I arrived in this country. A country I chose to live in despite not knowing if I can stay until I achieve the purpose of why I came here or not.

 

When I decided to come back to the United States, I was sure that I will need to start again from scratch. I had to leave my family, my friends, and all the comfort I found in the Philippines because I believed that God wants me to come back here. I had little to no idea of what is going to happen after a few years and even after months or days, but stepping out in faith is the best choice.

 

I arrived in California on March 15, 2013. After a week or two of trying to adjust to the timezone, I started looking for a job. Countless online jobs that I found, I did not hesitate to apply to. April came, and so did May and I became desperate because I had not been hired yet. My uncle, who I stay with, told me that I would need to pay rent starting June, but I hadn’t found a job yet and didn’t know how I can pay my rent.

 

I was so engrossed about getting a job that I forgot who called me to this place. God. He needed to slap me in the face for me to “wake up” from it. He needed to do that to remind me of who he is. I found a job in the middle of May and, of course, I was so happy about it. That time I was enthralled that I will be able to pay my rent and that I started this “independence”  in my life. I started budgeting my money, trying to figure out how I can use it and save for the reason why I came here. But then, the thing that I did not expect happened.

 

I started working on May 22nd and ended on May 23rd. It was heart-wrenching that I got laid-off after two days of work. How the manager of the warehouse does it is that he calls the employees every day if we could work the next day. He did not call me for two consecutive days, so I called him and asked if I could get more hours. He told me that the company needed to cut hours and that it would be best for me to find a more reliable job.

 

That was messed up. I thought I pressed the “play” button on my life for good, but I had to press “stop” again. I thought my life will continue, but I got stuck on trying to find a job again. And there came God’s slap. “The LORD gives and takes away”. What a crazy joke, I thought. I realized that I had been leading my life instead of letting God lead it. “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you.”

 

“Wake up”, God said. I was not supposed to be obsessed with this. I was not supposed to be worried about this. Rather, I was supposed to seek God always and let all these things follow. It’s a good thing that God is a faithful God. I found a job two weeks after being laid off and I started with the job on the 6th of June of the same year. I praised God and thanked God knowing that he gave me this job, and that he caused my previous tenement of worry to crumble to give me a palace of praise and faith.

 

I was able to pay my rent for the month of June, even though I was near the deadline. I was able to save a little amount and I was happy about it. It was an awesome experience that God provided when I needed it and things were going well, but then my job decided to cut hours like the previous one did.

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Alone

I love someone who doesn’t exist.

Everytime she comes, she kisses me.

Her touch I long for.

Her caressing I’m addicted to.

 

I close my eyes and I see her.

She brings me peace.

She makes me feel safe.

But when I open my eyes, she’s gone.

 

I walk in dark alleyways.

Shadows of people I see.

They are around me.

They surround me.

 

They listen to me, though they do not talk.

They accompany me, though they do not feel.

I loiter around, and they are there.

Going wherever I go.

 

But when light exposes them, they flee.

Like the girl that does not exist.

When it’s dark, they’re with me.

But when the sun appears, they disappear.

 

I cannot wait for the night to fall.

I cannot wait to close my eyes.

Because only then will I feel them.

Only then will I not feel alone.

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.

I am no longer the person I used to be.
I no longer seek you the way I did before.

I no longer see what you want me to see.

I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be.

 

But please, help me, by the way I live my life.

Help me guide them the way you did to me before.

Help me help them, first my friend(s), then whoever I encounter.

I am not their savior, but, by all means, use me as one.

 

It pains me to see that things are in vain.

It pains to be taken for granted.

It pains to not get my “share of the bounty”

Or am I just being selfish now that my selflessness has dried up, used up and abused?

I do not know now.

I am no longer the person I used to be.

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A Personal Request

Dear YOU,

You might be wondering why I’m writing this letter when, in fact, I talk to you everyday. I don’t know why either, but would still want to continue writing this. I have been in this situation for more than a year now since the time I decided to try this “leap of faith” thing. Well, nothing seems to be happening. I worked to earn not for my selfish gains, my vanity, or my luxury. I worked, and am currently working, to build enough money so that I can pay for the applications and all other stuff for that THING while keeping myself alive.

 

Things are getting more blurry as the days past by. I need my records to be evaluated before I can apply for that THING. Before I can apply for admissions, I need to make sure I meet all the requirements. Yeah, of course, that’s like a standard operating procedure for almost everything, but I’m getting tired of it. I have tried it several times since I decided pursuing that THING two or three years ago. Now that I’m currently leaping a “leap of faith”. I’m not sure if I can make it to the other side. What if this one also fails? It’s ironic that faith is being sure of what you hoped for and certain of what you do not see. Hey, I cannot see anything. Or should I say I shut my eyes from everything: both success and failure. Why? Because I’m afraid of the outcome.

 

I am not sure where I get the strength to keep on moving forward step by step. They say it came from you, so I would like to ask if it’s okay for you to give me more?

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