Alone

I love someone who doesn’t exist.

Everytime she comes, she kisses me.

Her touch I long for.

Her caressing I’m addicted to.

 

I close my eyes and I see her.

She brings me peace.

She makes me feel safe.

But when I open my eyes, she’s gone.

 

I walk in dark alleyways.

Shadows of people I see.

They are around me.

They surround me.

 

They listen to me, though they do not talk.

They accompany me, though they do not feel.

I loiter around, and they are there.

Going wherever I go.

 

But when light exposes them, they flee.

Like the girl that does not exist.

When it’s dark, they’re with me.

But when the sun appears, they disappear.

 

I cannot wait for the night to fall.

I cannot wait to close my eyes.

Because only then will I feel them.

Only then will I not feel alone.

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I am no longer the person I used to be.
I no longer seek you the way I did before.

I no longer see what you want me to see.

I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be.

 

But please, help me, by the way I live my life.

Help me guide them the way you did to me before.

Help me help them, first my friend(s), then whoever I encounter.

I am not their savior, but, by all means, use me as one.

 

It pains me to see that things are in vain.

It pains to be taken for granted.

It pains to not get my “share of the bounty”

Or am I just being selfish now that my selflessness has dried up, used up and abused?

I do not know now.

I am no longer the person I used to be.

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A Personal Request

Dear YOU,

You might be wondering why I’m writing this letter when, in fact, I talk to you everyday. I don’t know why either, but would still want to continue writing this. I have been in this situation for more than a year now since the time I decided to try this “leap of faith” thing. Well, nothing seems to be happening. I worked to earn not for my selfish gains, my vanity, or my luxury. I worked, and am currently working, to build enough money so that I can pay for the applications and all other stuff for that THING while keeping myself alive.

 

Things are getting more blurry as the days past by. I need my records to be evaluated before I can apply for that THING. Before I can apply for admissions, I need to make sure I meet all the requirements. Yeah, of course, that’s like a standard operating procedure for almost everything, but I’m getting tired of it. I have tried it several times since I decided pursuing that THING two or three years ago. Now that I’m currently leaping a “leap of faith”. I’m not sure if I can make it to the other side. What if this one also fails? It’s ironic that faith is being sure of what you hoped for and certain of what you do not see. Hey, I cannot see anything. Or should I say I shut my eyes from everything: both success and failure. Why? Because I’m afraid of the outcome.

 

I am not sure where I get the strength to keep on moving forward step by step. They say it came from you, so I would like to ask if it’s okay for you to give me more?

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A Love That is Holy

This is some sort of a continuation for my post “The Overarching Title for this is LOVE“. Some random thoughts and things I learned as the days passed by.

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I have always wondered how much love I can give. I wrote on one of my posts that loving, whether it be God or other people, is directly proportional to how we see God’s love for us: 1st John 4:19 says, “We love because he first loved us”. I know that’s true and all that, but a thought lingered on my mind and it grew bigger than I imagined it would be.

Two attributes of God that has been used and even abused by so many people: God is holy, and God is love. 1st Peter 1:16 says, “Be holy because I am holy” and 1st John 4:8 (coincidentally from the same chapter from the first verse I quoted) says, “…God is love”.

  • God is HOLY

Surprisingly, I did not know what “God is holy” means until it hit me. A state of being “holy” is characterized by being “exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness” (according to Merriam-Webster).  Someone who, is perfect in goodness, should hate anything that’s bad. Someone who, is perfect in righteousness, hates something unrighteous. Someone who is pure, who is sacred.

So how can a God like him love me? I am a sinner, a blemished little sheep lost on his way enjoying the mud from the ground, lost in definition of what is good and bad, and what is righteous and unrighteous.

And I am flabbergasted that God characterized himself as love.

  • God is LOVE

The bible is a love letter from the Holy God I mentioned above. From the creation, to the fall of man, to the exodus, and everything that Israel experienced. To the birth of a Savior and his death, to the continuous spreading of His word in Acts to the Letters, and all through out Revelation and the second coming, they are all about God’s love for us.

1st Corinthians 13:4-8 defines what Love is.

-Love is patient.

-Love is kind.

-Love does not envy.

-Love does not boast.

-Love is not proud.

-Love is not rude.

-Love is not self-seeking.

-Love is not easily angered.

-Love keeps no record of wrongs.

-Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth.

-Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

-Love never fails.

I bolded the parts that struck me and has something in connection with what I’m discussing right now. Since God is love, I guess it’s safe to replace the word “love” with “God”?

Love is not self-seeking: it is selfless. God is not self-seeking: God is selfless. When God loves, he does not love to please himself or to feel good. His love is selfless. He is love himself. And therefore, the sentence “He loves us.” means he gave (or is giving) his self to us.

“Love keeps no record of wrongs” and “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth”. These two seem contradicting each other. Again, let’s replace the word “love” with “God”. God does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. He hates evil. He hates sin. He hates the sins that we do. But because he is love, he keeps no record of wrongs. Because he loves us so much, he does not keep a record of the wrong things that we do. He loves us anyway regardless of that. Regardless of our sin. Again, he is selfless- it pains him to see that we play with sin- but his selflessness, and one of his characteristic, that is love, tells us that he loves us anyway.

I don’t think I was able to define these two characteristics well because I still couldn’t fully grasp what they mean,but why did I mention earlier that this thought has lingered on my mind? “We love because he first loved us”. Yes, the application part. Like I said, I always wondered how much love I am capable of giving. Well, that’s the thing. The love that I can give is based on how much I understand God’s love for me. I thought I am finally able to love, but I guess not. Love is much much bigger than I thought it would be. To love is to be selfless. To love is to keep no record of wrongs. To love is to not delight in evil. Love regardless of who I am and what I will get from it. Love even though people hate you. Love even though people blatantly sin in front of you. Love even though people abuse you.

How is that possible?  “We love because he first loved us”. All throughout the bible, the God who is holy, and also love, has been teaching us how to love. We should love not according to how we see love is, or how society or our upbringing tells us how to love. We should love the way God loved us. A selfless love, one that God, with all his holiness and righteousness, did for us: sacrifice himself for people who are sinful and unworthy. A love that gives and does not expect to receive. That’s how I see God’s love is and it is holy: it is pure. And it is not what the world has defined- with all its selfishness and pride .

So, is it safe to say that a love that is selfless is a love that is holy?

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If there’s only one thing I can learn…

…and be really good at, then I want to learn how to love.

Categories: Life | Love | Faith | Tags: | 1 Comment

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